lonesome, aloneness, solitariness
lonesomeness, aloneness, solitariness—
a longing for companionship,
heightened by the suggestion
of sadness and poignancy.
it would be remiss of me to go on
without mentioning
how much i enjoy my aloneness,
my moments of solitude.
dare i say i often prefer these moments
to those when i have to—or at times am forced to—be with others.
it’s something i’ve learned to embrace throughout the years,
my own company that is.
being with myself and holding space for no one else but me.
that being said,
the states of lonesomeness do get to
me at times.
usually during moments of stress,
hormonal imbalances, or my regular emotional and mental hardships.
sometimes i am embarrassed
at how much i crave such companionship, but i guess it’s just one of those often painful conditions of humanity that i must deal with.
is it really so wrong
to crave the warm embrace of a lover?
is it really so wrong
to crave the camaraderie, the patience, the kindness, the love?
time and time again life has shown me
that it may not be in the cards for me.
that as much or as little as i give,
there hasn’t been a person who was willing to give back even a fraction.
i can count on one hand the amount of people who looked at me and saw more than just a quick fuck, who saw more than just a means to an end, who saw me for who i was.
so how can i crave something
i have hardly experienced?
how can i crave something
that seemingly was not made for me?
love is the answer.
hardships and adversity aside,
i know i am full of love,
so full of it
that i don’t even know what to do with it most times.
and because i love, i hope.
i hope for the day someone will love me back
as much as i love them,
i hope for the day someone will fight for me
as much as i for them,
i hope for the day someone will care for and about me
as i will them.
in the meantime,
lonesomeness, aloneness, solitariness
consume me.
they fill me with fear and despair,
they make me question:
am i worthy of love, of desire?
and yet,
i carry them with me as i go about life,
choosing to believe one day,
these feelings will fade.
because i am full of love,
and because i love,
i hope.
