life sucks right now
I've decided to start writing this piece, mostly without purpose. There are so many thoughts, so many emotions, so many feelings clouding my brain that figuring out what I want to express is becoming particularly challenging. Days feel excruciatingly long, and nights torment me. It isn’t ideal that I’m going through a “breakup” of sorts, which only amplifies everything I’m already feeling.
Do you ever get the feeling that you just cannot catch a break? That time and again, life keeps kicking you down when you’ve barely gotten up. The feeling that there’s an impending doom right around the corner, never allowing you to relax. That is pretty much how I feel every day. It’s like I can never truly take a deep breath or let my guard down because I have to be on high alert at all times.
I thought that feeling was going to dissipate once the “breakup” happened, yet here it stands—glorious and triumphant, looking down at me with smugness across its face. I guess it might be because I’m still grieving, or maybe it’s just because of my (overly) anxious nature. Whatever the reason, it’s a burden I cannot carry.
The older I get, the more in tune I become with my needs, and the more emotionally intelligent I grow—the more frightened I become of the future, of mankind, of everything. I see clearly how cruel humans are and how easily they can disregard another person’s existence and that is something I genuinely lose sleep over. It happens not only around the world—with all the wars, all the genocides, the racism, the xenophobia, the sexism, etc.—it happens in my life too. Time after time, I see how others—let’s be honest this is about men because my female friendships are a blessing in my life—treat me and it is abhorrent. It’s not something I have a solution for and to be frank, at this point of my life, I don’t wish to further interact with the opposite gender unless it is strictly necessary or if they’re related to me.
Again, I don’t really have an objective with this piece, I guess I just need to vent for a little bit. So, in conclusion, life sucks right now and I am having a hard time accepting my current conditions as they are so unbearable that they affect me even physically—I’ve really experienced the worst of my anxiety this year. I wanted to end on a positive note, but truthfully, there’s nothing positive about this and I’m really over the whole “things will get better speech” because it is so unhelpful and frankly a tad bit dismissive.
Life sucks right now and I’m learning to live with that—one heavy breath at a time, because sometimes that’s all you can do.
